Sola-Nero White

So-la

An indian swamp plant of the pea family, with stems that yield the pith that is used to make sola topic. Alright then. I am not sure what a sun hat has to do with this box of SUN. Oh, wait, it makes quite a bit of sense now. This was my first ever review-on-the-go, which is fitting, because there was a lot of sun involved while sampling this heavenly box of vino.

Wondering what this shit tastes like? Apples and pears muthafucka. What is the finish on this shit? Pleasant, yet surprisingly dry. What kind of person would like this shit? Someone who likes to brush their teeth with cement, soap or maybe some acne cream. Although this box is surprisingly delicious (very low price), it is incredibly dry, leaving you to scrub the taste away. I chose to scrub away with acne cream.Like all wines, you're in for a good night, or at least a better one compared to being sober. This night in particular, a good wine was not needed, as this box was going to be chugged directly from the spout. It was summer solstice in the citay, girls we're out, people we're grinding and puking in the streets. What a way to kick off yet another tasting session. By 9pm, the box of Sola was already empty. There must have been 50+ passersbys who wrapped their lips around Sola's thick, red spout that evening. They sucked it dry. Not to worry though - another box was found shortly thereafter.Sola's apply-pear notes, combined with its pleasant palate and dry finish make this an excellent wine for those who go all night. For those looking to pass out in streets, grind on strangers and puke in shoes. This is for you.

Wine in the shower? Bigtime. [BOXED] model, Holiday, takes a sip.

[BOXED] Rating: 7.8/10Price: $30.99
Variety: blend
Region: Okanagan Valley, BC          
Cellared: Canada

Black Box Chardonnay

Let me be the first to tell you, actual good wine is available in bottles cousin form: a box. That's right, you can now buy high quality wine from a box, and feel good about it too. Why feel good? Well the name of course. You stick this masterpiece in your fridge and see how you feel. It will not only distract you from any other fluids or solids in the fridge, but will be in the back of your mind all damn day. Boxed wine should not be so good that I'm up in here having dreams about swimming in it. But I am. Maybe its the desert heat here, but unlikely. I think Black Box did an absolutely terrific job on the box. I mean, look at it, its a black box with gold lettering...what!?

Classy looks aside, this 2012 California Chardonnay is mighty tasty. From the vintners website, Black Box Chardonnay displays aromas of citrus with notes of pineapple and pairs well with grilled chicken, fruit or white-flakey fish.

How about white girl?

Not that, you drug you addict - an actual white girl. Any white girl for that matter. You see, at 13.5% and capable of supplying your day with 4 x 750ml bottles, you don't need to get picky. This chardonnay right here, right here, turns your patio into a Liquid Zoo. From ratchet hoes all the way up to high class ass, like our [BOXED] model Gracious, they be flockin'. It must have been some damn strong citrus aroma wafting throughout the neighbourhood, because before I could even climb into the hot tub, I had bangers and bangettes climbing all over the patio looking for their fair share of Black Box. Although this may have something to do with a new climbing gym opening that day, this is certainly one citrus-y, aromatic fiasco taking place on your palate.

Who should you buy Black Box's Chardonnay? Well, if you're into blacking out with your eyes open, take your money elsewhere. This is for us quality folk who want more out of life. The folk who have a tennis court, pool and mini putt in their front yard. The folk who truck it around the lake on their yacht with topless winos all day, every day. Got get yours today, and turn your boring life into a Liquid Zoo.

My goodness Gracious! [BOXED] model and future endangered cougar, Gracious,  enjoys her afternoons with nothing less than a leather couch, hot sauce and Black Box Chardonnay.

[BOXED] Rating: 9.2/10

Price: $34.99
Variety: Chardonnay
Region: California
Cellared: Monterey, USA

Sommet Blanc

Suh-met

Maturity; that is what comes to mind as a sit down to review this classy box.With a subtle floral aroma and blistering with tree fruit notes such as apple and asian pear, this off-dry white wine blend is well balanced with good acidity and a clean lingering finish. The box has also catered to the 'older' market, with images of bountiful vineyards, and your girlfriends dream house in the background. Just looking at this box, carries me into an airy day dream of playing a grand piano for Bey and Jay at their Italian vacation home, the feathery mountain air in my nose, Tuscany sunshine on my back and a big ass box of this shit right in front of me.


Now, don't let that first paragraph confuse you; [BOXED] chooses to review crazy

[BOXED] model, Fate, hitting the jets real hard.

wines, not serious, expensive boxes wines like other blogs, ahem (wannabevino.com). So lets get to it: Sommet Blanc is no different than any of its predecessors on the [BOXED] blog, in fact, it could be crazier than our earlier reviewed (and loved), Screw It! Pinot Grigio.


My experience? Well, this is my first official hot tub tasting session of 2015, something about the sweat and chemicals of a tub, truly bring out a wines best tasting notes. I picked this bitch up at my local BC Liqour Store, about a 10 minute cruise on my bicycle. I will be honest, I chose this box because of its rich textured images and a high quality rubber spout. I mean, who wouldn't? After parading around town with this beauty for a while, it was time for a taste. I couldn't wait to get it home, so I ripped in behind Canadian Tire for a gulp. OH SHIIII! This stuff is out of control. Despite a mechanical on my way home, I was one chipper oenophlia. I'm pretty sure the box even distracted passerbys from my road-side redneck chain fix. Greasy hands and all, I lugged this bad boy into the hot tub for an afternoon not to be forgotten. Fresh meat Monday's just got better.

BODY SHOTS! Body shots you say? Yes,  a few hours later I woke up in the hot tub to the sound of supermodels doing body shots in my kitchen. My kitchen. Somehow I had drained the entire box of Sommet Blanc and ended up hosting the baddest Monday night party the quaint town of Ballerville has ever seen.

Off to the next chapter of our night (a local Karaoke joint), I was left with the mellow notes of Sommet Blanc and an afternoon that seemed simply to good to be true. Maybe it was just all a dream? We'll never know, and thats the way I like it. Take tomorrow off, and make it a night to remember (or forget) with Andrew Peller's latest succession; Sommet Blanc.

[BOXED] Rating: 8.3/10

Price: $28.69
Variety: Sauvignon and mixed
Region: Unkown
Cellared: Kelowna, BC

L'Ambience - White Wine

Luh-Om-Bee-Unts

Yes, it is that simple. Don't be fooled by its' name; this isn't no Pinot Grigio, Gewurztraminer or Chardonnay. Hell, they didn't even bother with 'Dry White'. This is White Wine dammit, and nothing else. Besides, at a price of just $30.99, you ain't no sommelier if you think this is something special.

Created in 2013 by Cartier Wines, L'Ambience is the definition of white girl wasted. Seriously, if you look in a dictionary under 'white girl wasted', you will probably see a photo of this heavenly bag in a box. This shit will get you wasted and dancing on tables at your local ballet in no time.

L'Ambience is cellared in Ontario, Canada, from "domestic and imported blends". Dare I say this box is the mutt of wines in Canada? Although probably true, L'Ambience offers a high quality spout considering its' price. The textured, yet smooth rubber button make you feel like you're pouring out a wine worth much more. Then you taste it: shit. This 4L, 11% box has a pale straw and a delicate nose, with notes of apple and lemon.

What I like most about this wine, aroma and high quality spout aside, is the name 'L'Ambience'. From the trying-hard-to-be-elegant box finish, and its' rich greens and golds - you would think you are in for a classy dinner party night with the freinds...on the patio, then into a hot tub and maybe a small bond fire afterwards. Something real rustic. Hell no. This is some sweet ass nectar, and you will be anything but calm. You will be the furthest thing from classy at this dinner party, let me tell you. You're friends are helping prep dinner in the kitchen? You're out front yelling at passersby. Your're friends are enjoying AAA steaks at the outdoor patio table with a sunset? You're ON the outdoor table, howling at the moon. You're friends are trying to relax in the hot tub with their "Chardonnay"? You're doing hood shots straight from the spout.

Not that any of this is unacceptable or undesirable. But let me tell you, in the morning, it will feel like you we're in a 6 hour endurance sour candy eating competition; your gums will be bleeding and your lips chapped. This is some sweet, yet dicey wine. I do not endorse this product (sorry, not sorry Cartier).


[BOXED] Rating: 4/10
Price: $30.99

[BOXED] model, Envy, poses in her mansion. "Its' a night in".

Variety: Generic Blend

Region: Unkown, World
Cellared: Ontario














Yours in boxed wine,


Benjamin

Screw it! Pinot Grigio 

Scrooooo - it

Stop everything now. This refreshing Pinot Grigio is all you need this holiday season. Screw family, friends, work and get a load of this shit right here. Screw it! Pinot Grigio is the wine gods answer to the perfect white wine.

Screw it! wines are a shelf company of 'Wine O'Clock' wines which are grown and produced in, you guessed it, the always amazing Okanagan Valley in the Beautiful British Columbia. The inception of Wine O'Clock happened near the Yakima River in Prosser, Washington at the Bunnel Family Cellars. Screw it! is their most recent endeavour, with its inception happening just two years ago.

So what is this Screw it! all about? Well, aside from a seriously attractive brand name and elegant minty box, they have extended their reputation of producing cheap 'anytime, anyplace any day' wines and focussed in on women; mainly those who just had a bad date, got dumped, got fired or maybe those who just simply cannot live without their lifeblood: wine. They also do a great job at promoting alcoholism, the following is an excerpt from their 'about' page on the website: "put aside your to do list and treat yourself". Translation call in sick, don't buy food, just stay home and get messed up. Although [BOXED] does agree with getting completely s-faced at least once a week, here at [BOXED], we do not promote calling in sick when you really aren't or picking up the kids from school hammered (thats what bus drivers are for).

Screw it! Pinot Grigio is a sweet wine, it goes down like grape juice and goes out like water. One could easily down this 5L box with its' recommended pairing (shellfish, poultry or veal) in a single sitting. It has an acididc pear/apple taste and finishes very dry. There is no need for a drip dickey when pounding this box as it comes with a revolutionary new drip spout that maximizes flow and minimizes air getting into the box.

So there you have it, oenophilias, Screw it! Pinot Grigio is for anyone, anytime and anywhere. You could serve this to a 2 year old and they'd think it tastes like old grape juice. Am I saying this is a bad thing? Definitely not. Am I saying this is quality wine? Definitely not. Either way, get yourself to the nearest watering hole and down some.

[BOXED] Rating: 7.5/10
Price: $34.99/5L
Varietal: Pinot Grigio (VQA)
Region: Okanagan Valley, BC
Cellared: Yakima River Valley, WA

[BOXED] model and expert turkey chef, Dandylion, loves her Screw it!

Yours in boxed wine,

Benjamin

Similkameen Superior - Dry White

Sa - milk - ah - meeeeeeeeeeeen

Bottled in Beautiful British Columbia, this dry white wine gives you something to write home about. BC's Samilkmaneen Valley is the unsung hero of wine production in Canada. Loacted in between Osoyoos and Keremeos, the Similkameen Valley lies just west of the famed Okanagan Valley and roughly alongside the Smilkameen River. The area has a similar climate to the Okanagan Vallley and...who cares, this isn't a geography lesson, its' a blog about fine wines and filthy hangovers. So let's get at it.

I purchased this box from the local liqour proprietor on sale for just $31.99! Talk about savings! Oh and what a sweet Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday afternoon it was. This is the box that just keeps on giving. Are bottomless pits real? Is the pope catholic!? Hell yes they are real, and the vintners of the Similkameen know it all too well. The bottomless pits, deranged nights under the stars, the sloppy hangovers..the list goes on but that is another story for another time.

Similkameen's Superior series is a collective arrangement within the valley to produce quality, affordable wine. Vintners from multiple wineries contribute grapes, and the wine is bottled at a facility in Kelowna, BC. After spending a week with this wine, I can say with confidence its' presence in my fridge will be missed. From the smooth yellow exterior to the extravagant push button, this wine is an all-around winner.

Since this is a 'dry white', a blend of pinot auxerrois, chardonnay and pinot gris makes for a full bodied wine. The nose of the wine is rather sweet smelling, and the light colour indicates a rather young batch. Finally, the wine finished with a smooth taste a pear/apple.

[BOXED] Rating: 9/10
Price: $31.99 or $34.99/4L
Variety: Mixed

[BOXED] model, Caramel, going to shred the mountain with Similkameen in hand.

Region: Similkameen Valley, Canada
Cellared: BC and Nova Scotia


Yours in boxed wine,

Benjamin

Schloss Laderheim - Riesling

Ahh.. Schloss Laderheim, the candy of my eye at the end of every workday. It has been a real treat reviewing this bountiful box of Okanagan Reisling.

Schloss Laderheim is a product of Andres Wines Ltd. Andrew Peller introduced his first wine, Hochtaler, to Quebec in 1970. Since then, Hochtaler has come a long way, producing wines such as Domaine D'or, Sommet, Copper Moon, Royal, Peller Estates and of course last night's wine baby, Schloss Laderheim.

I am so very grateful to be blessed with a local BC Liquor Store (just a 2 minute drive, or 5 minute bike ride away). I went in, picked out this stunning box, and paid. WOW! Andres Wines Ltd. did a great job with the marketing side of things, The box looks to be something out of the early 1900's and makes you feel like you are carrying something that has been aged for years. On this particular day, I was driving, but I could only imagine the jealousy I would have if I was walking or riding my bike with this wine in hand. At just $34.99 CDN, you'll feel like you stole it!

Once my arrival at home, I got the beats flowing, and the hot tub jets turned on medium, It was time to 'un-box' yet another great boxed wine product. The first thing I noticed was how easy it was to push back the cardboard tab and pull the nozzle out. The nozzle appears to be made of premium plastic and is black in colour. They even added a red rubber button to release the sweet Riesling nectar. I like to call this the "cherry on top".

While the acidity of Schloss Laderheim is high, it remained rather un-oaked. The flamboyant fruity flavours went down with ease, leaving my palette with somewhat of a bitter after taste. I highly recommend this fine product and recommend you to enjoy all 4 liters until the very. last. drop.

Thanks to one of  our[BOXED] models, Breeze, for her help.

[BOXED] Rating: 8.5/10
Price: $34.99/4L
Variety: Riesling
Region: Okanagan Valley, Canada
Cellared: Calona Vineyards, Kelowna, BC


Yours in boxed wine,

Benjamin